By Menzoid
(This essay was inspired by Mike “Flathead” Blanchard. The Menzoid is still alive and well.)
The Menzoid passed away today in a horrific massage parlour accident; he was predeceased by his beloved hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs.
He leaves behind two Junior Menzoids and the lovely Lady Menzoid, whom he met in the confines of a hot tub at a now-defunct fitness club. While the bikini-clad Lady Menzoid did not appreciate The Menzoid’s hot tub humour due to so many jokes ending with the same punch-line (“Periscope Up!”), she nevertheless agreed to date him thanks to his uncanny ability to name all the songs in the Tears for Fears discography.
While Lady Menzoid will surely miss her beau, she will undoubtedly NOT miss The Menzoid’s all too frequent impersonations of the robot Twiki from the cosmically horrid ‘70s series, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. To wit: “Bee-dee bee-dee bee-dee bee-dee bee-dee... what’s for dinner, Lady Menzoid? Bee-dee bee-dee bee-dee...” The Menzoid, however, will be remembered for taking great perverse pleasure in observing Lady Menzoid’s lower lip quiver prior to throwing a porcelain plate at his head due to the Twiki recitals
The Menzoid will also be remembers as a jovial fellow, always smiling and chuckling – which, alas, many observers reckoned was due to a head injury suffered in childhood.
The Menzoid made many astonishing claims over the years –some of which proved to be true. For example, he did in fact ride a ferocious bull for two and a half seconds at the Smoky Lake Rodeo in Alberta in 1985 and he did indeed end up in the Smoky Lake hospital after the bull proceeded to gore The Menzoid like a piece of pork souvlaki shish kabob at a Greek restaurant on The Danforth.
Other claims by The Menzoid proved false upon investigation, however. For example, his claim that he had invented the semi-colon proved absolutely groundless. Meanwhile, other claims of bravado proved semi-true: For example, The Menzoid was adamant that he was the first-round draft pick for the L.A. Kings in 1980. As it turns out, The Menzoid was indeed drafted by the Lawrence Avenue Kings of the Ledbury Hockey Association, not the Los Angeles Kings of the National Hockey League.
As a child of the ‘60s, The Menzoid became fanatically obsessed with the NASA space program. At one point, The Menzoid, who was seldom seen without his Billy Blast-Off pyjamas, transformed his bed into a scale-model version of the Apollo 11 lunar landing capsule. The Menzoid slept in his lunar capsule bed until he was 37.
He did experience setbacks in life. In high school he sold his comic book collection to buy a used Chevy Camaro. The ostensible reason of acquiring the muscle car was to snag a date; alas, the Chevrolet failed to do so. Had he held on to those comics for another two decades, The Menzoid could’ve bought a new Ferrari off the lot.
The Menzoid loved Maynard’s Wine Gums, even though he deplored the Nanny State warning on the package: “Contains No Wine.”
The Menzoid also loved bearskin rugs, red meat, Russ Meyer movies, guns, V8 engines, the scent of magic markers and anything else that would piss off PETA and Greenpeace knobs.
The Menzoid took enormous pride in celebrating Dominion Day. Every July 1st, he would throw a bash at Casa Menzoid, although he would forcibly remove any Trudeaupian twit who dared referred to the event as a “Canada Day” party.
The Menzoid will miss cycling without a helmet – which he undertook to experience the wind flowing through his naturally curly auburn hair. The fact that riding helmetless also surely enraged Premier Dad made it all the more sweet.
Known for his writing prowess, The Menzoid was, alas, a terrible businessman. An idea to launch a nationwide franchise of all-you-can-eat bean burrito restaurants tanked, as did an earlier idea to open up a chains of 24-hour wicker furniture outlets.
His biggest break came when The Boss of Talk asked The Menzoid to be a regular contributor to his coast-to-coast electric radio show. While The Menzoid told anyone who would listen that he had aced the audition at Corus, the real reason for the plum gig was due to The Menzoid saving Charles Adler’s life in ‘Nam.
Pet peeves of The Menzoid included traffic circles that were festooned with stop signs; people in Tim Horton lines that would fail to make up their minds; Vernor’s soda; and just about every incarnation of the Vancouver Canucks sweater.
As per his deathbed request, The Menzoid will be cremated while entombed within his 1993 Brittany Blue-Green Metallic Honda Prelude which he lovingly called “Precious” (except when the coupe failed to turn over – at which point, The Menzoid called it a certain word that rhymes with “witch.”) As The Menzoid’s corpse is incinerated, it is The Menzoid’s fondest hope that his filthy, CO2-infused ashes will leave a thick carbon footprint upon the residences of David Suzuki and Al Gore.
For those visiting the cemetery to pay their respects, The Menzoid’s tombstone will be marked with but two words: “You’re welcome.”